The beauty of riding a bike

Just got home from one of the best rides I think I have ever had.  At least mentally.  Had some great epiphanies and realizations.

I have lots of random streams of consciousness before but today was next level. 

I sweat. A lot.

I ride pretty slow but I love it nonetheless.

I have a t shirt from @hbstache that says ‘Sometimes I ride to remember, Sometimes I ride to forget’. Couldn’t have been more appropriate for today.

I have disliked myself more than I have liked myself. 

Trying to not be who you were meant to be is exhausting and painful.

I love my best friend of 36 yrs more than she will probably ever realize.

Reconciling my mind and my body has been excruciating. But it is happening, finally.

My brother uses the analogy of your life span being the length of a yardstick. I am running out of inches and I don’t want to waste them.

Twitter is my safe space.  What I say there is me. Usually the raw me.  The vulnerable,  scared, open me.

I cry.  I am scared. I am strong. I persist.

Trying to come to grips with my ex partner dying sooner than later.

Nature is beautiful.

I love dogs so much.

True love is elusive. But I will be damned if I don’t find it.

Being gay is still hard.

I used to hate being ‘sir-ed’ on a daily basis.  Yeah, so?

Dating sites suck – until you read that one profile that somehow resonates with you. In a good way. And thanks to that profile, I have learned more about myself than ever. Sounds a little odd, but I only ever speak truth. Maybe it is more that I was ready to understand what I was reading. Open to it. Could ‘hear’ it.

Speaking of truth – sometimes it is cold and painful, but wouldn’t have it any other way.

I am not much to look at but I am a good human whether you see it

     or not. I know it. 

I am ready.

My Brother

As many of you know, my brother has been struggling with an elusive illness for several months. This last week it came crashing into his body.  This post will hopefully explain and clear up what I haven't been able to put into 140 characters at a time.

October 2015 Kauai Hawaii. Was very cool that my brother and sis in law decided to take a 2 week vacation to Kauai.  My sister and I would meet them during the second week and hang out.  But during that week, he started to have severe back aches, between his shoulder blades, and the chills. Like he had the flu. So they called a doctor who was nice enough to come to their condo and look at him. He too, thought he had a bacterial infection or a flu, so prescribed antibiotics. This seemed to help a bit so we all went along our merry way. When he got home, he continued to have pain. Couldn't sleep, was uncomfortable and started to have fevers. So back to his GP he went. Test after test after test.  CT scans and an MRI. And finally they figured out that he had an Aortic Aneurysm. They are usually caused by some sort of blood infection that weakens the wall of the aorta and a bubble forms.  This is a very serious issue so he was scheduled to have a stent inserted and the bubble or aneurysm cut off. This just happened to be Thanksgiving. So he has the procedure and goes home with IV antibiotics for 6 weeks then oral after that. Awesome - except after the 6 weeks he starts to have more pain again. Over several weeks he has pain on and off but they keep pumping him with antibiotics.  This goes on for a while, with it getting better then worse then better.  He continues to be tested for everything under the sun - autoimmune disease, etc. Nothing. Finally he says enough and they refer him to UC Davis Medical Center.  First meeting with the Dr and he sees that the infection that was supposed to have been removed with the aneurysm is still very much alive and starting to cause damage to his aorta. So here is what happened - a piece of plaque in his bloodstream got stuck or wedged in the aorta and the bacteria got caught behind it. So it kind of festered there causing the aneurysm. When they put the stent in, they trapped the plaque with the bacteria between the aorta wall and the stent.  So it couldn't get 'flushed' out with the blood like most of our bacteria does. This was causing major damage to the aorta and the Dr was very concerned. So he was scheduled for surgery to have his aorta replaced with cadaver material about a week later.  Now we are at Easter time. Finally he has the 6 hr surgery and it goes great. The aorta is replaced and looks good. Except while my bro is being operated on he starts to bleed out of his mouth. This concerns them so they scope his stomach to see if he has a bleeding ulcer or something. Turns out the infected aorta either infected or wore a hole in the esophagus. Apparently these 2 things are VERY close to each other in the body. This turns out to be very alarming. This is when they ask all of us to go to a conference room to wait for the doctors and hear the next steps. Never a good sign. 
There are 2 options when a hole in the esophagus is found - A) remove entire esophagus, have a feeding tube, and a bag to catch everything you swallow or B) attempt to suture the hole down the throat with a camera then put a stent inside to protect the sutures on the outside of the stent.  This option is not as fool proof but was good for the current circumstances. Option B is selected as option A is another 5-6 hr surgery and they didn't think that was a good idea. So they go in, suture up the esophagus, put the stent in and let him heal. The first week he can't eat or drink ANYTHING or swallow. So far so good. They put some contrast in to see if there is any leakage - none.  YAY! This means he can start drinking and having very soft foods.  A few more days and he is home from the hospital. He has some discomfort as the esophagus is a muscle and it keeps trying to push the stent down like a piece of stuck steak.  You know the feeling. But he is recovering and feeling okay. 
Fast forward to last Saturday April 30th. He is at home not feeling very well.  Kind of pale, lethargic. He gets up to go to the bathroom and passes out. They get him to the bathroom and he has very bloody stools.  Sis in law calls 911 AND demands a helicopter to take him to UC Davis. Chopper comes and off he goes.  He is admitted to ICU again and the Dr's discover that his esophagus is leaking. Not good - now decision needs to be made to do option A. The next day the Dr staff is still contemplating how to attack this problem. My sister and I go down and visit with him before his surgery and you can tell he doesn't feel well.  We go to the waiting room.  His wife goes to have breakfast.  'CODE BLUE CTICU, CODE BLUE CTICU'.  My sister and I look at each other and say 'Hope that isn't for John'.  About 10 minutes later a nurse comes to waiting room and explains it WAS John. He started to violently throw up blood.  She says they are trying to figure out what is happening and stabilize him and get him to surgery. (I call sis in law and she is on her way back as soon as she can.) She leaves and comes back some minutes later and says now that his heart has stopped and they are doing CPR.  And she is not very optimistic. We are stunned. Literally stunned into silence. She asked us if we wanted to go in and see him-we both said no. We didn't want to remember him like that. After 20 minutes of CPR they get him stable enough to take him to surgery. Turns out the esophagus had either some infection or it got to close to the aorta and opened up the sutures and it started to bleed. So much that it pushed blood thru the hole in the esophagus and out his mouth. And into his body cavity. This is very, very bad. In order to stop the bleeding, the surgeons insert a balloon thru the groin and inflate it above the fissure, stent it, then release the balloon. But when this happens blood flow is stopped to the rest of the body including the brain, spinal cord, other organs, etc. If it is too long, these things will be adversely affected. Before the surgery was completed, they noticed his belly was distended. So they opened up his belly and drained off lots of blood and fluid then decided they would leave his belly open to let the swelling go down. Adding another complication.  So surgeries are done, he is intibated (breathing tube down his throat) and back in his room.  After 2 days, they go in to the operating room and flush his belly and partially sew him up so he is open anymore. That is good. 
In the mean time, Dr's are doing neurological testing to check his brain, etc. He can follow commands, move his hands and legs. Yay. 
Now the hole in the esophagus must be addressed. The biggest problem is that it still has infection in it. The infection will do more damage than anything else. There is a sense of urgency now to get the stupid esophagus out and gone. So May 5 he goes back into the operating room and has his entire esophagus removed.  This surgery is another 7 hrs long. It is an interesting process in that they put a little spit bag on the outside of his throat and he has a feeding tube. They also chose to pull his latissamus muscle from his side and connected it to his aorta. This helps with blood flow and antibiotic distribution for quicker healing.  He won't be able to eat or drink anything thru his mouth as there is no path from his mouth to his stomach.  Will take a little getting used to.  In about 2 months the Dr's will be able to go back in and connect his stomach to his throat, as I understand it. After a period of time he will be eating and drinking normally, but not after a little bit of practice.  
So as I type this, he is in ICU, intibated, and in a severe amount of pain.  The nurse even said she has never seen anyone in this much pain. He has 6 teams of doctors looking after him. And they don't always agree on what to do. Confusing and frustrating for his wife. He has a long way to go still, but we are hoping that the worst is over.  
On a side note, the infection is so elusive and could not be eradicated because they cannot identify what the bacteria is. When we have a bacterial infection and are given antibiotics, the bacteria is distorted or something. It changes. So in hindsight, the doctor in Hawaii should have cultured my brothers blood to find out what it was. Easy to look back, no judgement here. At all.  Just reinforces my thought that we use antibiotics too frivolously. 
I cannot express the gratitude I feel to everyone who has sent well wishes, good juju, prayers, or whatever people choose to do. Please keep doing whatever you are doing!! A hard time for my family. So much uncertainty, confusion, and pain. 
I hope this helps. 
Thanks again 
Mary

I Rode My Bike Today

Yes, I know that isn't a very riveting title but since it was only the 15th (being generous) time I have ridden THIS YEAR, it is a fantastic title for me. Today.

Absolutely amazing how my mind and thoughts run rampant when I ride. I had actually forgotten just how much.  A testament to how freeing such an activity can be.  It also opens up my lungs and legs. Was only 15 miles but who cares.
My crazy mind went from pedal technique to yard work to fixing washers and dryers to my current personal situation, moving or staying, dogs, money, lists, drought, and much more.  It just runs wild.
And through all of it I just keep pedaling!  :-)

I last posted to this blog in May 2013.  So much has changed/transpired since then.  I am another year older, went to Africa on safari, helped my sister move to my town and help remodel her house, bought a new bike.  Just a few things I loved doing. One other thing that happened is that in January my partner of 30 years and I decided to split up.  Yeah, it has been a big year.

I have also made a concerted effort to learn how to be gracious. That in itself doesn't seem that difficult, but for me, it is.  Like many, I suffer from self esteem and depression issues. When those 2 things rear their ugly heads, I find it hard to be grateful for anything.  Life sucks, nobody likes me, I am lonely with friends, and have a hard time peeling myself out of the house.  On top of all that, I am an introvert.  Go figure. Therapy helps but there is so much I have to figure out for myself.

All of those things help me, but nothing like riding my bike.

The Final Tally

After leaving Utah, there was a quick stop in Winnemucca, NV then home - arrived on Monday, April 29 at about 3:30 pm.  Home again, home again, jiggity jig!

So as a final blog from my trip, I thought I would share with you some photos and final numbers.  I know everyone likes that info.

First I will let you know that I went through a total of 16 states (not counting CA) and put 7980 miles on my pickup.  That is a lot of traveling.

The states I went through and in order -

 

 

 

 

  
                                                                             

 

 

A few more tidbits of info -

-Used 845 gallons of gas

-Paid an average of $3.50 per gallon

-Averaged 9.5 mpg

-Met 19 dogs (at least)

-Had 0 flat tires

-Lost 1 trailer awning, 1 rear view mirror

-Packed way too many clothes

-Ate way too much

-Everyone I met up with along the way was absolutely FANTASTIC!!

-Saw some incredible scenery

-RV folk are really nice

- Gave out 30# of Rumiano Cheese

 

Have been getting asked what the favorite and least favorite parts of the trip were.  Hard to answer, but I have to say that seeing old friends and meeting new ones had to be a highlight. A close second or a tie has to be having the opportunity to do a trip like this. Very rare, I think, that people have this kind of freedom with work and family obligations. So I am very fortunate in that regard.  Thanks to my partner Rae Jean for holding down the fort while I was gone.

The worst part of the trip had to be losing the awning off the trailer. At the precise moment I figured out what had happened, I never wanted to be home so fast. Learned a little about myself right there.

 

So with that, the traveling portion of my blog is complete.  Will probably continue with this blog to relay stories from my life, riding, or whatever.  Enjoying relaying my antics to the interwebs! 

 

Thank you so much for reading along the way......more to come so stay tuned.

 

 

 

The last week on the road

Not sure anything can top 'awning-gate' as a blog entry.  That was somethin', wasn't it?

So, after that incident I went on to stop in Sterling, CO where it was 21* overnight.  Sooooo cold - thankfully I have a heater!  Got up the next morning to frozen ground! 

On to Fruita, CO - little did I know I would be staying just one day before the Fruita Fat Tire Festival started.  Again, my timing was not the best.  But the weather was fantastic.  I am sure a great time was had by all!

On to Utah to visit another cycling friend and hang out for a couple of days.  What an awesome place.  Hadn't really 'vacationed' in Utah before but I am glad I was with locals.  Played tourista in Park City and went on a really great bike ride. Hiked on Antelope Island - it is located in the middle of the Great Salt Lake, and is where the USA Cycling Collegiate Nationals will be held this weekend.  If you are anywhere near, PLEASE GO!  Sounds like an awesome event.   Will go back!!!

Unfortunately, I knew leaving Utah that my trip was coming to an end.  There is a definite feeling, like when you know your on the last day of your vacation. That angst or stress that comes along with going back to reality was setting in.  But I knew it was time...... :-(


Thanks for reading.......

My luck ran out today

The last 2 nights spent in Grand Island, NE were absolutely delightful!!  Pulled in on Saturday afternoon to the cousin's house.  Was very glad to be off the windy, windy road. 

They are lovely people and have 3 great daughters all with families of their own.  I had met 2 of the 3 at a family reunion a few years ago, so I was so very excited to meet the 3rd daughter, husband and 3 kids.  That makes it official - have met the ENTIRE extended family now.  Wow!

Thanks to the entire Rasmussen/Bussell clans for entertaining me!!! 

Before leaving Grand Island, I stopped to get gas but soon after I was on my way down the road.  It was a balmy 28 degrees at the time.  ;-/.  Well, didn't get very far and I noticed that one of the rails that sits under my awning was flapping in the breeze. Pulled over at the next convenient exit only to find my entire awning had comepletly BLOWN OFF the side of my trailer.  WHAT???????  I hadn't even noticed and with the size of that thing, it shouldn't have been that hard to miss.  So I sat on the side of the road wondering, should I go back and see if I can find it and pick it up or just let it go and forget about it?  After about 10 minutes, I decided to go back and look.  I got within 1/2 mile of my on ramp and there it was - IN THE CENTER DIVIDE! How did it get there?  As I am traveling down the road the awning is on the shoulder side of the road, not the center divide.  There must have been a huge gust of wind that hooked that thing and ripped and flipped it OVER the top of the trailer.  Not sure how else it could have happened.  So I pull over and SPRINT over to the center and then started to bring back pieces to my truck.  Finally wrestled the thing to the shoulder - now what do I do with it.  Way too long for the bed of my truck.  Hmmmmm.  I finally duct taped it around the metal base then put it inside my trailer.  Just barely fit, but I had it.  I WAS MORTIFIED!  And sooooo lucky it didn't hit another car or cause an accident.  I have secured the awning kind of across the rail of my truck, but at an angle and strapped it down very tightly. Should be okay for the ride home. I wanted to just click my heels together and say 'There's no place like home, there's no place like home'. 

Well I am now sitting in a very small place called Sterling, CO.  Windy, very cold, and snow flurries.  Glad I didn't wander further north! 

Going to try to get to Fruita, CO tomorrow.  Almost 400 miles, but doable if the weather cooperates. 

Days like today, I do not want to repeat. Last night we were discussing how great it was how nothing had happened to me as of yet on my journey.  Well, there ya go.....

Well, off to fix something to eat for dinner.  Going to bed early for tomorrow's big day.  Hopefully, a wheel doesn't fall off....oh wait.

Thanks for reading......

And another.....

Sad to report that I have had to make a major diversion on my journey.  Was in Madison, WI last night moving to Jackson, MN today.  Unfortunatley, the weather is not being cooperative.  I called an RV park and the guy basically talked me out of going.  Said it was raining, freezing, icy, then snowing.  So going to Mt. Rushmore will have to wait until another trip.  Bummer. That was leading me into Yellowstone National Park - snowing and I don't even think the park is open in most parts yet.  Again, another time. 

Soooooo, here I sit in exciting Altoona, Iowa.  Not as sexy as someplace in Minnesota, but at least it is a bit warmer.  In fact, I have actually been here before.  In 2011, I rode my bike across Iowa for something called RAGBRAI. The real name is 'Registers Annual Great Bike Ride Across Iowa'. Happens every year and my year it stopped here.  Exciting, right? 

Tomorrow I will be stopping in Grand Island, Nebraska.  My partner's entire extended family is in the Cornhusker state, so will be slowing down to say hello!  Will be fun, as usual, to see them. 

Then I am not certain where I will be next.  But as you can tell, I am inching ever closer to home and to the end of my journey.  Will blog all about that later.

So with that, I will sign off. 

Thanks for reading.......