Mom's

Over the last week two of the people I follow on twitter have lost their mothers.  If you didn't know it already, I lost my Mom to lung and brain cancer 8 years ago on July 22, her fathers birthday.  For me, it was a devastating life event of which I thought I would never recover.  She meant so much to me as she was my only parent from 18 on up.  

It was 3 days before my 19th birthday when my father, age 55, passed away from pneumonia brought on by chemo and his battle with lymphoma. I was off at college, way before cell phones and the internet, when I got the call from my sister.  Wow.  I was pretty young and had already experienced death with my dad's parent, but this was different.  So confused and heartbroken watching my Mom try to grasp what had happened. I contemplated long and hard about staying in college or moving home to help. I stayed in school, graduated and then moved home for a few years.  I moved when love took me to the other side of the country.  Like a sport, my Mom drove across the country with me to my new home.  Over the years, we ended up doing this 3 times.  Mom was always up for traveling anywhere, really.  The US, Europe, Brazil, Hawaii, just to name a few. And she was a great traveling partner - pretty easy, except when I had to sit in the smoking section of an airplane to Europe. Again, that was eons ago, but she was taking me for my college graduation, so I had to go along.  Was a great trip I will never forget.  
Yep, she smoked for at least 50 years off and on so her diagnosis was not a complete surprise. What was shocking was that it was already in her brain. She was diagnosed the same day my father died 27 years later. Again 3 days before my birthday. What the hell. I was the queen of denial in my own head. I had hope beyond hope that she would live a few more years. Wasn't to be.  It was the shortest 9 months of my entire life. Trying to hang on to every shred of life that we had left together.  Devastated. 
Part of this trip I am on is to truly deal with her not being here and to actually finish grieving. But what I think is that if I do finally come to terms with her death, I will lose her forever. Not true, but that is what it feels like. Something I must keep working on.
In closing, Mom's are just different to lose. She brought me into this world, even though I wasn't on the agenda. She loved me unconditionally - we didn't always agree, but she loved me unconditionally.  I still want to pick up the phone and call her. I want to share my joys and frustrations with her.  I want to just talk to her one more time. But that would hurt too much, I think.
Something that has stuck with me is that Oprah has said that life talks to us in whispers. I believe it is talking to me now, with the two who are grieving, and that it is okay to let go now.  As difficult as that will be, I must let her go.  Not the memories, the pictures, the cookbooks, the life experiences, but the grief. I will always have her with me - I had her ashes tattooed into my skin in a tattoo that says simply "MOM". :-)
Many of you that are reading this have lost your mother. I am sorry - I feel for you.  For those of you that have your Mom, and you have a relationship, do me a big favor - tell her you love her, because you never know when it might be the last. 


Thanks for reading.........